I could use some support...

I dunno if this is the right board etc so if not please move it. My MH is pretty much in a downward spiral and this coming month it's going to get worse. At the end of the May it will be the one year anniversary of me giving birth to my son James still born. It's ripping me in two. Everyone thinks I'm okay and I've moved on. I was strong when it happened because I had to be...but now I can't be. I can't stop crying. It was all my fault. I haven't been able to visit his grave since his funeral last June. I am a terrible person because I can't even afford a headstone...so there's nothing. The guy who was his father who I was with for three years is now in another relationship so I don't feel like I could talk to him about it...but he went through it all with me. My current boyfriend wants to start a family but I'm terrified it'll happen again. I can't explain that to him though. I feel like everyone thinks I should be over it. I just want someone to understand and hold me and look after me because I can't deal with life anymore. Sorry to post...thanks to anyone who read...

I know that I gave you this link when it originally happened, but I really think that Sands could help babe ( http://www.uk-sands.org/home.html ). And you don't know how your ex feels, maybe he's feeling the same thing and wants to talk to you but doesn't feel he can because you're in a new relationship too? It could be worth giving him a call x
You're not a terrible person because you can't afford a headstone, they're ridiculously expensive babe. Maybe you could get something smaller, like a small rock and have his name and DoB engraved on it?
As for starting a family, maybe it is a bit too soon. But that's a conversation for the two of you to have<3

I agree with Chelsey about maybe geting a little rock or something.

I also agree that it might be an idea to contact your ex boyfriend. Even though you might both be in new relationships, you still went through this part of your life together and I think it would be legit to send him a message or something just to see how he's doing and see if he'd maybe like to meet up and do something to remember James together. Even something little like getting a helium balloon and saying a few words before letting it go and watching 'til it disappears could help to give you some closure and allow you to acknowledge the loss that you feel.

I'm going to look into getting something small...I think it's a good idea, thank you.

I have looked at the Sands website but I don't know how to talk about it...I have been trying to call them to speak to them but I haven't spoken about it out loud since it happened. It's the same problem with talking to the father...I can't seem to get the words out. I just don't know what to do or where to turn. His family were a MASSIVE support when it happened and now we've broken up I've lost them and I'm pretty sure they hate me now because of how we broke up. I feel so alone and since all this hit me I can't seem to handle life in anyway...I'm not eating. I'm not sleeping. I'm not paying bills. I'm not going out. I'm not showering. I can't face getting dressed. It's getting harder and harder for me to reply to friends messages or the boyfriend. I'm fading. It's like a wave has hit me and knocked me over so i'm stuck under water not abe to tell which way is up.

I realise this thread is probably useless because none of you can bring him back or change anything...I just feel that if I keep all this in my head it's going to kill me.

Say it out loud. Even if its just to an empty room, say it outloud what happened, all of it. Might help x

I spoke to my CPN. I admitted how bad I was feeling and about it all flash-backing. I told her about my thoughts about why it's my fault. It was kind of helpful because she didn't just write them off saying to couldn't be my fault...she tried to make me see it logically. I am trying to.
My friend told me about The Cedar Tree which is based in Worcester which can offer counselling and I might look into it and see what they can offer me...I think it'd be easier than talking over the phone to Sands...I dunno. I need to try something though and I think it's about time.
I admitted to the boyfriend about this month being a hard anniversary...he understands. Kind of. I feel a little better because it's not all in my head. I still need to look into getting something for the grave - and get up the courage to go to the cemetery...which is taking a lot of working up to. I know I need to though. I think it's important I do.
My head is still really loud...it's hard for me to hear people talking to me sometimes. I can't watch TV or DVDs because my heads to loud to concentrate on them. I have a psych appointment on Wednesday to review my medication and stuff...so I hope that will help. I also have a support worker appointment on Tuesday which should help me sort things out. I dunno.
I feel like I'm stood on the edge leaning a little further forward but not quite enough to fall. I know sooner or later I am going to fall hard but at the moment I'm staying on solid ground. The urge to OD is getting stronger and stronger as the days go by though.
Bleugh. Anyway, thanks for the replies and sorry for the woe.
x x x

I has a counselling appointment with The Cedar Tree on Thursday...and to sum it up I'm sh*ting myself about it >.< they specialise in pregnancy loss/abortion/pregnancy in general etc.

Some enouragement/support/hugs would be appreciated.

Mix Tape
x x x

Oh shit, didn't see this until now, I'm sorry.

How did it go at the Cedar Tree?

Hope the appointment went okay lovely.