Support for AsianPsychoCripple

Kiran isn't having a tip top time at all, and to prevent myself from posting in her journal, I made a thread.

Kiran, can you talk to us a bit about what's going on for you?

ALL the love my darling secret girlfriend <3

<3 Kiran, I hope you can come talk to us about what's going on for you love x

Love you Kiran <3

Hope you're okay, Lovely <3

Thank you so much for making this thread Jenna and thanks Jodie, Lana and Mary for your support <3

Um I don't don't what to say really, I think that I'm really anxious, so anxious that it's painful and it won't go away. I've tried all the relaxation type things I normally do to feel better and it just won't go away. It feels like it's a physical pain but it's much deeper than that somehow. I keep trying to shift my position and posture to make it hurt less but it doesn't seem to make any difference whatsoever.

Is there anything that causes this anxiety?

Are you seeing any MH professionals at the moment and if so, do they know about how you are doing?

I think I am due to see my psychiatrist around the 28th June. They don't know how I'm doing because I've only begun to feel this bad in the last couple of weeks or so.

I can't really think of anything specific that causes the anxiety. It seems to have been getting progressively worse so it used to be lots of specific things that caused it, then it got so widespread that it seemed like everything was causing and now it seems like nothing is causing it and just at various times of the day I'll just be afflicted by these random pains.

Sorry I didn't reply to this earlier :-/ How are things going now?

When you say this anxiety causes physical pain, is it in any particular place, or does it hurt in ALL the places?

Yes ALL the places sadly. Things feel better currently. I've gone to Birmingham to see my little brother so that is probably helping lots. Today is the first day in a while that I have felt NONE of the pain so I hope that continues!

How are things going for you atm?

Things aren't going too well I have to admit.

Talk to us lovely face. <3

Let us know how we can help.
Also, is there any way we could convince you to take your meds? I think that they might help you and I would like to see you do better. Could you tell us why you don't take the meds and we can try and find arguments against your convinctions?

I love you lots and lots and lots Kiran, you are too wonderful and too precious to do so badly all the time.

^ditto everything Lana said.

We're here to listen, advise or do whatever you think might help.

ALL the love <3

Erm because I might have Munchausens?
Because it's not depression it's laziness
Because every time I stare at them I know I'm making a mockery of what you all go through if I would contemplate taking them.
Because my thoughts aren't a result of an illness, they're just knowledge about myself.

Do you still have an appendix? If so you are the worst Munchausens in the world and probably don't even have Munchausens.
I don't think you're lazy or making a mockery of anything. But I can understand your mental illness making you feel that way, and it's a horrible feeling!

Let's hypothetically say you are just lazy and have Munchausens (you don't though!). What harm would the medication do?

So even if I can't convince you right now that you are ill and deserving of support, maybe you can consider taking them anyway, because it can't do any harm, and if you're wrong and you are ill, it may well help. Does that make sense?

What Jenna said.

Also, I am very sure a person with Münchhausens would not be worried about having it.

LOL Jenna! <3 I do indeed still have an appendix, you're right I'm terrible at this Muchausens lark Thank you for pointing that out! What you're saying does make sense and it won't do any harm to me but I would know what I'm doing. It's the principle of the thing. Accepting treatment for something that I could have made up would not be right. Just think of all the resources that are being used on me when it could be used on other people. It feels horrible to me to think about that, what I could be doing to services which are already overstretched.

Let the services decide whether you are worthy of their time?
Even if it was Münchhausens (which I don't believe) it would mean you need help.

You've already got the pills right? It would definitely be a waste of resources if you didn't take them now...
I can understand your line of thinking there, but remember, professionals have decided that they think you have legit MH issues that require treatment.
Also, on the topic of 'making it up', even if you did make it up in the first place (not saying you did, just trying to relate to what you're saying), that doesn't mean an actual legit requiring-of-treatment illness hasn't arisen because of it. For example, in the early days, a lot of my anorexic symptoms were somewhat intentional and then bam I got caught up in it, and there was no longer a conscious decision to restrict, it was a subconscious absolute necessity to restrict because I was vast and because I just needed to. Does that mean I was not worthy of ED help, because I made it all up to start with?

I hope I make some sense there.

I don't mean to be stubborn and I really am trying to take on board everything you say but I guess if I'm really going to have to challenge the Munchausen's thought then I have to tell you everything I feel about it so sorry about that!

You see the thing is you get access to services based on how you present to them in the first place so they're making decisions to treat me based on information I give them which could be flawed?
I'm finding it really difficult to accept that I could be ill at all so it's really hard to even take the meds on the off chance that I could be ill. If I had only had the conversation with mothership once about Munchausens that would be different but she has said it twice now, in quite a detailed and hurtful manner, for example "that she knows everything about me and how I must enjoy getting prodded by doctors" A Munchausens accusation is so horrid that I feel the only reason she could make it twice is if there is some truth in it. Also I recently found out that years ago when my support worker discussed my SH with my mother she said it had begun "when I'd read about it in a book" Also during the times when I've vanished only later to be found by the police mothership makes a point of telling them something along the lines of me being on a support site and apperently the police nod in sympathy and say that I need to get off that site. However I  only have mum's word for this and haven't heard any such conversations myself.

Anyway I'm really sorry to offload all that crap onto you Lana, (and other readers!) but I just wanted to illustrate that the whole Munchausens issue is not an isolated incident but rather has been chronically used as a description of me and my "issues"  I'm not entirely sure why. I know that I've also got a really happy, optimistic side to my nature which seems to exist alongside my woe and perhaps the people who know me can't get their heads around why someone who seems so happy all the time can also be so sad all the time. Or perhaps I just have Munchausens.

Wow I've really got us of track here, many apologies! I clearly had a lot of things to say
I guess my issue is I will find it really difficult to actually take the meds unless I clear up the Munchausens confusion in my head. I'd dearly love to say to you that I could take the pills in the meantime while this is resolved but knowing myself I don't think that would be realistic. I've tried to take the legit, appropriate medication (probably based on the eminently sensible suggestions of people like yourselves!) but then I just stare at the meds for ages or just hide the meds in bags so I don't have to look at them or think about them! Perhaps I could ask for a Munchausens assessment?

Jenna you ninja, I'll come back to yours when I've read your message....

That's not really the same thing though. You may have started with a conscious desire to restrict but that's called a diet and is a known risk factor for ED's.  Sadly a lot of people diet but for most people their diets can remain just that-diets. For some people though that intial diet which could have started quite innocently morphs into something much darker which becomes a mental illness but right at the very beginning when it's still "just" a diet there is no way to tell who is going to end up developing a mental illness and neither would you have known but I'm guessing in a lot of cases the slippery slope begins with a conscious intention to diet and the illness takes over when you're no longer in control. However it doesn't mean that the  part before that happened  was made up in any way, shape or form.

God that was a bit waffly wasn't it? Perhaps if I'd written that in a Psych essay I might have passed something at uni!

So I can't see anything in what happened to you that was ever made up or untrue and so just to answer your question you're deserving of ALL the help and I hope you're getting some lil' lady! Ergo I can't really see any similarities between our situations and if that's your definition of "made up" then you might want to refer to a dictionary! (But please do tell me if I'm overstepping the mark at all, because as we both know I'm not that experienced in knowing how to step! )